Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Sometimes You Need A WHAT???

August 06, 2004 ... 11:19 p.m.

N: �We use our evilness for good, damnit.�

Okay. Cher. People! The following conversation ACTUALLY occurred ...

Excited Fellow Concert Go-er: �CHER! CHER! WILL YOU SIGN SOMETHING??�
CHER: �Whattya got?�
EFCG: �OH MY GOD! I have ... I have ... aaahhh! Who has a piece of paper?�
*CHER gets ready to leave freak-boy*
Eibisch: �I have Post-Its!�
CHER: �Do you always carry those around?�
Eibisch: �Sometimes you just need a Post-It.�

And so �I carried a watermelon� has now passed into the great beyond of Lame Ass Declarations and been replaced by �Sometimes you just need a Post-It�.

To Cher. Post-Its. I should tie my tubes right now, this idiocy must not be passed on.

Okay, there are several photos. All of which I had to use incredible stealth and cunning to procure. Enjoy.

We got to the US Cellular Center at 6:15pm and promptly ran into my friend, Tara. We chatted until she went upstairs because she had balcony seats. I was in the front row, seat 11. Heh. The doors opened at 6:30 and the show was supposed to start at 7:30. At 8:07, it began.

This was New York�s opening act. This was Cedar Rapids� opening act.

Yeah.

That was done at 8:38 and he walked off to thunderous applause and much boobage flashing the row of drunks behind us. These people were so drunk. They came to the arena drunk, They had 6 beers each before Cher got onstage. Two of them were �dancing� and almost knocked my mom out of her chair. Now, I�m gonna say this as politely as I possibly can ... my mom will f-ck you up. Okay? Seriously. Don�t mess with my mom. Even one of the non-dancing drunks thought Mom was about to go on an ass-whupping spree.

Catastrophe was avoided when the arena speakers began blaring Thelma Houston�s �Don�t Leave Me this Way�. I put on a show, complete with dramatic, American Idol-esque choreography! By the time �Get Down Tonight� came on, most of the crowd was dancing and singing. Mom, on the other hand, was staring at me, horrified. Her daughter. Breaking it down. To Disco. In public.

And it only got better, as the next song was Hot Chocolate�s �You Sexy Thing�.

Oh, yeah. We were shaking our stuff. And while we were doing that, the events staff was busily protecting the stage from us crazy Iowans.

The security dudes were busy confiscating cameras--NO PHOTOGRAPHS ALLOWED (HEE)--and cell phones as the arena went dark, heralding Cher�s arrival.

In ... oh ... another 10 minutes or so.

The arena was crazy loud, everyone was excited. But when even Elvis showed up, dude, I knew we were in for a good time. Even his girlfriend was fun.

Then the curtain lifted and Cher, singing a cover of U2�s �Still Haven�t Found What I�m Looking For�, descended on a chandelier. It would have been nice to have photo of that, yes? Yes. However, a security guard who could, apparently, sense trouble from me, was right in front of me.

Cher donned her circus ringmaster coat and gave her little spiel, including her admonition to J.Lo and Britney to �Follow this, you bitches!�

Security be damned!!!!

Thus began the show.

She went back for a costume change and emerged riding an elephant to the beginning strains of �Gayatri Mantra�. She then sang, sans veil �All Or Nothing�. She sang one more, but I have no idea what it was. I couldn�t hear these at all because people were insanely loud. I was right in front but heard nothing!

Costume change.

Some oddly costumed dancers began ... writhing ... nearby to some dissonant introductory music. Then the stage was lit and red �curtains� waved and some of the Cirque de Soleil acrobats twirled. Snazzy. Then out came the diva herself, hit with a spotlight and then right out on the edge, all the while singing �Bang Bang�.

Costume change. We were treated to several large screens that were playing a variety of clips to a Sonny & Cher medley--�The Beat Goes On�, �Baby Don�t Go� and �I Got You Babe�. The last song got a ginormous crowd response and one of the drunks behind us screamed out �Oh my God! I�ve heard this one!�

Aaaand ... I had a stroke. Was she born in a barn? To the Amish?

Cher came out in a blue shirt, purple mohair vest and brightly striped bell bottoms. She sang a medley of her hits from the 1970�s--�All I Really Want To Do�, �Half Breed�, �Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves� and �Dark Lady�. During my absolute favorite, �Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves�, she was right in front of me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that song!

Costume change. More video clips--mostly her movie clips. She came out in this beautiful gold outfit and sang �After All� and did some audience chit-chat.

Costume change. Much dancing by scantily clad men and, what can I say? I�m a butt girl and he was shaking it for all it was worth. She sang �Take Me Home� and �Strong Enough� in a red, sparkly wig and a red, sparkly costume. Not my favorite part of the concert, but she was so sparkly that I was distracted from anything approaching disinterest.

Shiny objects + Eibisch = oooooooo.

At this point, one of the drunk ladies decided to give her drunk husband a lap dance. Their coordination was, um, impaired and they both ended up rocking from side to side. They each had a beer in each hand, which they ended up throwing at the older gentleman who had objected to being jostled repeatedly by their drunken dancing. They missed and the beer ended up on the floor. They were less than two feet away and they missed. They missed.

Costume change. The stage was brightly lit with dancers costumed in bell bottoms, as Cher struts out in an off-the-shoulder white peasant blouse, a necklace with a diamond encrusted ankh necklace and tight jeans. She began singing �The Shoop Shoop Song� and dancing in a line with her dancers and back up singers. A good time was had by all.

Then she sat on a stool and broke into �Walking In Memphis�. Ahhhh ... When she got to the line �Saw the ghost of Elvis�, I screamed so loudly, she looked in my direction. I am such a dork.

Bootsie was quite disappointed that Cher did not sing �Just Like Jesse James�. Bootsie loves that song, she even sang it in a middle school talent show.

Wearing my aqua silk shirt. Without permission. And, somehow, tore the pocket off. But, you know, whatever. I�m not bitter.

Anyway. Costume change. Dark stage. Beginning of �If I Could Turn Back Time�. Some fella came to the front and tossed up several sailor hats his friends had made. Cher came out in a black leather jacket and a skimpy, sequined (ooo--shiny!) black outfit. It was not a thong. She picked up a hat with marabou feathers and proceeded to sing the roof off. Damn, she�s good.

I understand that�s usually her second to last song, but, still in the same costume (she lost the hat), she sang �I Found Someone�. Huge crowd response--everyone was singing along !

Then the curtains went back up. Oh, that sneaky diva. 5 minutes later, curtain down and more Cirque stuff. Then Cher emerged in a red wig that, to my eternal disappointment, was NOT sparkly and white outfit. She sang �Believe� and was right in front of me for half the song. After she was done, she thanked the crowd in the classic Namaste position. Then the canon thingies shot off confetti and dollars with Cher�s pic on them. I did not get one because two of the drunks pushed me to the floor. Oh yes they did. I was ready to kill, but they got out quickly.

Afterwards, Bootsie and I went to The Dragon (bar/club) for a Cher/drag queen contest. The place was packed and Bootsie made for the bar, while I headed to the dance area.

I got about 5 feet into the club area when some guy came and gave a big hug. I had no idea who it was until he pulled back and I realized it was CC, my sister�s ex (still friends) He asked where my sister was. I was all �Cripes, man, I am 27 years old! I don�t need a babysitter! We aren�t glued at the hip! She�s in the bar.�

Ahahaha. I�m a loser.

When Mis-teeq�s �Scandalous� came on, CC gave me a lap dance. He was very good And for a long-single 27-year-old who lives with her mom, it was ... yeah, it was good.

Anyway, the drag show was okay, but it was so crowded. Bootsie and I squeezed out at around 12:45am. We hiked across the parking lot to our car and, lo, Cher�s entourage was in the midst of a mass exodus.

We debated about trying to see Cher leaving. We figured we wouldn�t actually see her--but what the hell?

And that, ladies and gents, was when and where the Great Post-It Calamity of Aught Four took place.

Currently Reading: Sarah by Marek Halter

Listening To: Christina Aguilera
...I wanna say thank you, cause you made me that much stronger...

Have a happy day!

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