Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Six Degrees Of Nothing Much

August 11, 2004 ... 12:14 a.m.

[on �Move Your Body�]

Bootsie: �The only rational response to this song is pure, unbridled hate.�

Post-Its. Gah. I�ll never get over it. Post-Its.

This is, verbatim, the phone conversation Oscar and I had this morning. We talk about ... about ... well, nothing really.

2:14 a.m. ...

Eibisch: "H�lo?"

Oscar: "Okay. Kevin Bacon. Six Degrees. Elvis. Go."

Eibisch: "Um ... uh ... oh! No, never--yes! Okay. Kevin Bacon was in JFK with Ed Asner, who was in Change of Habit with Elvis."

Oscar: "So ... you�re voting for Kerry?"

Eibisch: "Actually, I�m voting for Edwards. They just happen to be a package deal."

Oscar: "Wish you could mix and match?"

Eibisch: "Don�t know who I�d mix or match with him."

Oscar: "That Jade guy?"

Eibisch: "Not a chance!"

Oscar: "Why not?"

Eibisch: "Good gravy, man! Do you know how many of the presidents get shot in office?"

Oscar: "So, Edwards would still be veep? He is so Kennedy."

Eibisch: "And, see? Kennedy was shot."

Oscar: "Kennedy wasn�t vice president."

Eibisch: "Bobby was just a candidate and he was still shot."

Oscar: "Do you think there�s anything to Conspiracy Theory�s 3-name assassin thing?"

Eibisch: "Hmmm. Yeah, I do."

Oscar: "Sirhan Sirhan was just an anomaly?"

Eibisch: "Bishara."

Oscar: "Double name negates the 3-name rule?"

Eibisch: "Bishara."

Oscar: "What now? What is that? "

Eibisch: "Sirhan Bishara Sirhan. There�s your three names."

Oscar: "Why do you know that? Never mind. You believe he did it, yeah?"

Eibisch: "Nope."

Oscar: "Yet another conspiracy? Like the black helicopters?"

Eibisch: "Those are real!"

Oscar: "Sure. Sure, they are."

Eibisch: "They are! Mom even saw a prototype, like, 30 years ago."

Oscar: "Paranoid much?"

Eibisch: "Listen, several years ago we were driving past White Sands--you know, Area 54--around dusk and we saw some cars pulled over and people looking up, so we did the same. We saw 7 or 8 Stealth Fighters fly over us."

Oscar: "So?"

Eibisch: "At the time, the government insisted they didn�t exist."

Oscar: "Oh, whatever."

Eibisch: "Ok, how do you explain them thinking Lee Harvey Oswald--this supposed low level, borderline retarded ninny--must have given the Russians the info to down Francis Gary Powers?"

Oscar: "Did he?"

Eibisch: "Probably not, but the point is, Oswald--supposedly such a peon--wouldn�t have access to that information."

Oscar: "Hmm."

Eibisch: "Also, the U2 spy plane did not exist. Well, you know, until the Russians took photos and stuff."

Oscar: "Shades of Hainan."

Eibisch: "Indeed."

Oscar: "I still maintain Dubya was the best for September 11."

Eibisch: "Better than Gore. At that time."

Oscar: "I think he waited too long to go after them."

Eibisch: "He didn�t want to appear to go off half-cocked."

Oscar: "I would�ve. The second Al-Qaeda claimed responsibility, I�d have nuked Afghanistan."

Eibisch: "Sounds rational."

Oscar: "And then I�d just nuke all those countries. War for oil, my ass! I got the oil, okay? I called dibs right before I hit the button! Where�s your OPEC now, bitches?"

Eibisch: "Um ... wow."

Oscar: "Then I�m taking out Berkeley."

Eibisch: "Why?"

Oscar: "Because I do not like Berkeley."

Eibisch: "Oh."

Oscar: "And Canada better watch itself, those lousy Franco-phonic bacon loving bastards."

Eibisch: "Excellent Mystery Science Theatre reference."

Oscar: "I know. Kevin Bacon. Six degrees. Cher. Go."

Eibisch: "Um ... okay. Cher was in Moonstruck with Nicolas Cage. He was in Face/Off with John Travolta and John Travolta was in Phenomenon with Kyra Sedgwick, who is married to Kevin Bacon."

Oscar: "Excellent Travolta usage."

Eibisch: "In homage to your Vinnie Barbarino fetish."

Oscar: �Up your nose with a rubber hose."

Eibisch: "Cram it."

Oscar: "Wh--"

Eibisch: "I know someone who thinks you�re cuuuute!"

Oscar: "Ooo--are you gonna pass me a note in the hallway?"

Eibisch: "Maybe!"

Oscar: "Do you like me? Check yes or no.�

Eibisch: "Meh. You�re too tall."

Oscar: "Pfft. Ain�t that the way it goes? Too tall, too good looking, too ..."

Eibisch: "Too good looking? My, aren�t we narcissistic!"

Oscar: "Solipsistic!"

Eibisch: "Stop it."

Oscar: "Are you taping the Gotti show for me?"

Eibisch: "Of course."

Oscar: "The 4400?"

Eibisch: "It was done Sunday. "

Oscar: "How was the end?"

Eibisch: "Totally set up for when USA picks it up as a series."

Oscar: "Sucked, eh? Still hating Tom?"

Eibisch: "Always. I know we are supposed to feel for the character, but I just want to beat him with a hammer."

Oscar: "Yikes. Dude, Gotti happenings!"

Eibisch: "Carmine uses way too much product and his eyebrows are wicked, John got a tattoo but really has no game and they�re both prettier than me."

Oscar: "And Victoria and the other kid?"

Eibisch: "Frankie. He�s just, you know, 14. It�s a crappy age. And I now want to be Victoria Gotti when I grow up."

Oscar: "And have a son named Carmen?"

Eibisch: "Carmine. And, yes, I really like that name. Especially if his father was Italian because, really--Carmine Thompson (NOT my last name--foiled again, stalkers! mwahaha)?"

Oscar: "Why not just go for the Gotti?"

Eibisch: "Have you lost your mind?"

Oscar: "What?"

Eibisch: "First, I don�t think his name is �Gotti� ..."

Oscar: "What is it?"

Eibisch: "Agnello? Agnelli? Ag ... An ... Something. I read it somewhere."

Oscar: "What else?"

Eibisch: "Dude! He�s, like, 8!"

Oscar: "Oh, he is not."

Eibisch: "Okay, 18. Still. He�s just a baby."

Oscar: "You�re too picky."

Eibisch: "It�s illegal!"

Oscar: "Any excuse and that�s not even a valid one because 18 IS legal."

Eibisch: "Pffft."

Oscar: "Hey, what does the �E� in Robert E. Lee stand for?"

Eibisch: "Edward."

Oscar: "Your sister�s birthday is today."

Eibisch: "I know."

Oscar: "Are you gonna party like it�s her birthday?"

Eibisch: "On Tuesday?"

Oscar: "She�s 24, yeah?"

Eibisch: "Yeah. We�re getting old, pet."

Oscar: "I concur. Youth is wasted on the young. Okay. Kevin Bacon. Gedde Wantanabe. Go."

Eibisch: "Cripes. I gotta think. Oh, easy! Gedde was in Sixteen Candles with John Cusack. Cusack was in Grosse Point Blank with Minnie Driver. She guested on �Will & Grace� and so did Kevin! BOO-YAH!"

Oscar: "I can�t decide if you�re scarily good at this game or just plain scary."

Eibisch: "Bite me.�

You Know You're From Iowa When...

Vacation means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland.
Dude ... that�s what we call �dinner� or a �day trip.�

Down South to you means Missouri.
Yeah, no. You do realize, though, that Missouri IS South of Iowa?

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines".
Okay, that�s one for you. �Deh Moyne�

You know the answer to the question, :"Is this Heaven?" .
No! It�s Iowa!
Mwahahaha

You know where all the Yoders live (or Andersons, or Van den Bergs).
Well, not all of them.

You know what "hawks" and "clones" are.
Yes and GO HAWKS!!!

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable.
Nuh-uh!! Hiawatha HOG Wild Days!

You can locate Iowa on the map.
Duh. And you�re an idiot if you can�t.

You've ever been on a "Geode Hunt".
Nope, but I have two on my front stoop.

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and is accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.
BLASPHEMY! Mustard and onions. Schmuck.

You say "catty-wampus" instead of "kitty-corner".
Wrong again. It�s �catty-corner�.

You've never taken public transportation .
Have so.

You have boiled fish in lye for Christmas.
What the crap?? Ham. Ham, people!

You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly.
Okay. Yeah.

You know what "Amish Country" is .
Chalk another one up for you.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin or Missouri is to get fireworks.
Um ... I go to Wisconsin for apples.

You know exactly where "Field of Dreams" was filmed.
Dyersville.

When someone says they are going out for dinner or supper, you know which meal they are talking about .
Duh -- how hard is that?

You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
Who?

You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, corn, and soy nuts.
Mmm ... venison ...

You're pulled over and asked by the cop, "Had a little to much to drink, (your first name here)?.
No, but they do say �Ah, Eibisch. Should�ve known.�

You own the complete "Dukes of Hazzard" video collection.
Shut up. There�s nothing wrong with that.

"Hick" is a style of clothing.
Um, yeah. In Hazzard.

You can use the words, 'crik', 'holler', and 'skunk weed' in the same sentence.
It�s �crick�.

Your Christmas gift, when you were ten years old was a shotgun (a BB gun if you were a 'townie').
I got a bike.

You know someone personally who is involved in meth trade or manufacture.
Bite me, jackass.

Your idea of a party is throwing cans of WD40 in a campfire while you're drunk.
I think not. Twinkies, maybe.

You've been to a rave in a barn.
I have, yes.

You've had sex in the back of a truck ... amid cows.
Good Lord, do you know how strongly cows smell? Methane is not an aphrodisiac.

You know that cows don't sleep standing up.
Best kept secret no more. Thanks a lot.

You're concerned about the rates of corn growth in Illinois as compared to that of Iowa's.
Damn Illini.

You listen to Ag Day at 6AM ... two hours after you get up in the morning.
Who in the what now?

You believe that trees in Iowa lean towards Nebraska ... because Nebraska sucks!.
Damn Huskers.

You know several people who still refer to Japanese cars as "rice-burners.".
That is asinine, absolutely asinine.

"Styx" plays a concert at the county fair, and people actually show up.
*shudder*

You don't get nervous when you walk into a biker bar (unless you're an Iowa City cop).
Pffft.

Currently Reading: Sarah by Marek Halter

Listening To: Cher
...tonight, you�re gonna go down in flames...

Have a happy day!

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