Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Mondays Suck

April 12, 2004 ... 11:42 p.m.

Bootsie: �I LIKE TO WATCH BUFFALO FLY!�

May I have your attention please?

I have an announcement to make.

Ahem.

I have been here at Diaryland for well over two years. I have over 300 entries. And, just recently, I have been added to someone�s favorites. That�s right, folks. MeeshaPeesha has me listed. Let�s all give her a hand.

I hear no �hand�, people! I have a stat tracker--I know you�re out there!

Fine. Be that way. She has the bunny. You know--the bunny. I have him on a shirt that says �i like boys. they�re dumb.� Which is beautifully stated in its truthful simplicity, no? So go read her, give her some hits.

Except you freaks here looking for pr0n.

We exchange gifts on Easter, because Jesus was resurrected and we�re happy about it! Yay!

So Mom got a stovetop griddle with various griddle accoutrements. Bootsie got some mixing bowls and kitchen stuff in purple--her favorite color. I got ...
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Wait for it ...
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NOTHING!

That�s right. Happy Undead Jesus Day to you, too! Oh, sure. They claim they �ordered� something that was �supposed� to arrive �by Easter�, but it was �shipped late.�

Yeah. I�m buying that. Whatever, family.

They felt bad, but I had some fun. I got a lot of mileage out of it. Bootsie felt really bad, so she went out and bought me Alice In Wonderland on DVD.

Because I�m really six.

I love it though. I can just sit and watch Disney movies over and over and over. Especially Alice.

This afternoon, we went to the residential treatment facility to formally begin (there are two more meetings) saying goodbye to my brother. Ex-brother? What would be the politically correct way to say that?

I thought I was ready for this, I really did. When he entered the room at the RTC, he looked so little. He actually is rather small for his age, but it made him look all the more vulnerable to my mind�s eye.

He cuddled right up to Mom.

He looked and talked to Bootsie frequently.

He barely acknowledged my presence and didn�t even make eye contact with me. His therapists told me this is because he was the most bonded to me and, if he doesn�t see or say goodbye to me, he thinks he won�t hurt as much.

That doesn�t help me, though.

He cried and told us he wanted to come back and live with us. His therapist says that he believes if he is good enough, we�ll want him. God. How do you explain to a 9-year-old that it�s not a matter of want--it�s a matter of need? Specifically, his needs?

I thought I held it together pretty well until he began to cry. Faked or not, I have a strictly enforced policy of allowing no one in my vicinity to cry alone. So I cried. Mom and Bootsie did not. They are not criers by any standard; I am. They are huggy--cuddly--touchy--feely; I am not. That�s just the way it is.

Then he asked, that if he remembered the numbers, could he call us someday? And that was the moment I very nearly lost it. I was biting my tongue so hard I drew blood to keep from sobbing. Not crying--sobbing. Great, big, air-gulping, gut-wrenching sobs. My chest hurts from holding them in. From still holding it in, what with the others being in bed.

He did hug me when he left, but it was very short. He let go right away, said bye to Mom & Bootsie and left the room.

This whole situation sucks. It just sucks. I can�t even think of a more appropriate description.

This is why I don�t want to marry or have kids. I absolutely cannot fathom opening myself up to this hurt again. It�s too much. I don�t think I�ll ever get over this and if it happened again? No. I refuse to allow myself to be in that type of situation, when I have the choice. I no longer believe the reward is worth the risk.

I still believe that this all �part of a plan�, that things happen for a reason. I think I need to believe that.

But, of course, nothing makes this any easier.

This just sucks.

Currently Reading: Acts Of God (Book Three of the Christ Clone Trilogy) by James BeauSeigneur

Listening To: =w=
...Why bother? It�s gonna hurt me, it�s gonna kill when you desert me...

Have a happy day!

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