Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Cripes. Sometimes It Just Sucks To Be Me.

October 07, 2003 ... 1:55 a.m.

[discussing Robert Urich, for some strange reason]
Pinball: �You know what is REALLY funny?�
Jens: �What�s that?�
Pinball: �He was in a show called �Lazarus Man� and it was cancelled when he died!�
Us: �...�
Pinball: �Wait. It�s not funny that he died. The IRONY is funny.�
Us: �...�
Pinball: �Stop looking at me like that!�

I am not having a good week. My family is having to do 45-60 days of �intensive in-home� therapy to help my brother, who now has so many diagnoses that it makes my head spin. Inhibited Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and on and on. His personal therapist is �alarmed� at his �increasingly sociopathic behavior�.

Like sneaking into my room in the middle of the night with a steak knife.

The fun never ends at das haus von Eibisch!

But this �intensive� therapy is not so much for the boy as us. They want to find out why we are so upset/angry/resentful.

Here�s a clue, Quincy: the boy has tried twice to kill my cat. Now, granted, Tinker and I have our... differences...but I don�t want anything to happen to this pet that I have loved dearly since I was 6�! Then there�s that whole episode (not previously written about) where he punched me in my face twice and split my lip and gave me a black eye. Or how about sneaking into my room while I�m sleeping? With knives?

Gee. Why would I be upset?

And herein lies the rub. My brother needs an insane amount of help to even function in the general public. Way more, and way more intense, than we can possibly give him. And he�ll legally be an adult in less than nine years. BUT. I love the kid. I hate what is wrong and the way it manifests, but I love the kid. And I wish I could snap my fingers and he�d be a healthy, happy 9-year-old boy. Unfortunately, we all live with this crap called reality and very little is cured in that manner. It�s a very, very painful realization that the best thing for him is a different family. We all love him, we all worked so hard for so long to bring him home...only to find this is not the home he so desperately needs.

What adds to the utter crapulence of this realization and our guilt/anger/hurt/frustration/grief is that he doesn�t care. Not even a little. Intellectually, I know that comes out of RAD, but that makes it harder. Sometimes, it�s difficult for me to NOT grab him by the shoulders, shake him and scream �Just pretend! Can�t you just pretend? You�re going away! Just pretend you care!�

Because then I think, if he�d just act like anything mattered to him, maybe he�d stay. Maybe, if he pretended long enough and hard enough, he eventually wouldn�t be pretending. Maybe it would become ingrained. Maybe I wouldn�t feel so guilty about not seeing the signs earlier. Maybe I won�t be kicking myself for years to come, wondering if I might have missed something or perhaps pushed something else a little more.

My cousin (Mom�s first cousin--my second? Who cares?) died Thursday. He�d been fighting lung cancer for some time. For a while he was taking chemo every day. He is only about a month older than my mom. That�s scary.

My whole family is scary. Top this: my grandma has had skin cancer and breast cancer (one removed) and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer�s, my grandpa had a triple bypass and has Charcot-Marie-Tooth (muscular dystrophy), so does a cousin and another has a different type of muscular dystrophy called Friedreich�s Ataxia, two of my great-aunts had breast cancer (both had double mastectomies), one great-aunt got into a horrible car accident after an aneurysm in her brain burst and she later died of dropsy, another great-aunt has yet another kind of muscular dystrophy, a great-aunt died of a massive coronary and my last great-aunt has a dementia similar to Alzheimer�s. I had one other great-aunt, but she died a long time ago from a ruptured appendix. Okay. My great-uncles have all had serious heart problems, one recently died from liver cancer. One of my uncles died of lung cancer, my surviving uncle has had a heart attack, my aunt died of a massive heart attack, my surviving aunt is okay. My mom had cervical cancer and a mild heart attack.

It�s not looking to good for me, is it?

Two interesting facts: the ones who died of lung cancer? NEVER smoked. The other interesting point? All these people? From only three generations--only on my mom�s side.

So, yeah. I think my family has had enough for a couple of years. I don�t think it�s asking too much to share the wealth.

UIowa did beat Michigan on Saturday. So...yay. And my ear infection is almost completely gone. Yay.

But one of my cartilage piercings seems to be rejecting. My ears and I just do not get along. Not only are we not friends, we can hardly be civil to one another.

Currently Reading: Le Mariage by Diane Johnson

Listening To: Riddlin� Kids
...never knew a person who could spend so much time being mad at me...

Have a happy day!

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