Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Tinker, Schwinn disciple

January 23, 2002 ... 2:07 p.m.

Tinker, Schwinn disciple

My cat doesn't even pretend to obey me anymore. Before, when he'd jump up on the counters and I'd say "get down," he would. For 30 seconds. Then he'd jump right back up. But at least he played along.

Today he tipped over the kitchen trash can three times. I finally caught him in the act, digging for something.

I yelled, "Tinker! No! Bad boy!"

He kept digging.

I yelled again, "Tinker! Get out of there!"

He kept digging.

I yelled, "Boy--you best git outta there!"

He backed out of the can, looked at me and blinked as if to say "Are you still here?"

He's infuriarating.

He's also very weird.

This morning, I popped myself some cherry pop-tarts and went to get the newspaper. When I came back, I was one pop-tart short.

My cat was eating my pop-tart. A cherry pop-tart was my cat eating.

Since I know cats do not make it habit to eat cherry pop-tarts, I have come to the realization that Tinker ate my pop-tart out of pure spite.

He hates me.

Tinker is declawed and neutered. He�s 17 years old. He�s an orange tabby. And he hates me.

It�s true. He will attack me anytime he feels the urge.

One time, I was sitting on the couch and watching t.v. Tinker was curled up and asleep on the other end of said couch. All of a sudden, I have this 9 lb. mass of fur and fangs trying to separate my wrist from my arm.No reason, no provocation. He just decides to try to kill me. I had to smack him with a book to get him off of me. (I did not hit him enough to cause brain damage or anything.)

But he�s just so cute.

Tinker, as I've mentioned, is also very strange. I�m sure he would prefer �eccentric.� He will not drink out of a bowl. He must have a cup of water, on the corner of the kitchen sink, to drink from. If this water cup is not full enough or the water not fresh enough, he will tip the cup into the sink and pointedly stare as the offending drink swirls down the drain. On really hot days, he requests an ice cube in the water.

Yeah, he's spoiled.

He hates baths. He believes I made up the concept to torture him. But, he likes to sit on the bathroom sink and splash in a sink full of water. It�s messy, but he�s very spoiled.

Tinker�s favorite foods are: chili (he will eat a full bowl), tortilla chips, green peppers (raw or cooked), ice cream (chocolate and strawberry--but not vanilla), Hershey bars (must be frozen), peanuts, biscuits (especially from Kentucky Fried Chicken), mushrooms, black olives, potatoes, pumpkin pie and marshmallows. I know this isn�t exactly a healthy diet, but he�s 17, so I'm doing something right.

Plus, he�s very spoiled.

Tinker hates Elvis. Sometimes, he will come into the computer room and love up to me. (Of course, this only happens if everybody else has been gone for hours.) If an Elvis song comes on, Tinker will angrily leave the room. Or he will bite me and then leave the room.

And he knows Elvis from anyone else. He came into the room and I picked him up and the next song that played was Ricky Nelson�s "Garden Party." (I had to download it-it was stuck in my head) Tinker stiffened and turned to listen more closely. After he was satisfied that it wasn�t Elvis, he relaxed and actually started purring.

This cat also hates the Christmas carol "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear." I don�t know why. He just despises it.

He likes to dance. Or rather, he likes to be held while we dance. He�ll even ask to dance. It�s weird. If a song comes on that he likes, he�ll lean toward whoever he wants to dance with, paw the air and meow really softly. Like he�s asking for a dance. Tinker likes to dance to Motown the best. The Four Tops best of all. He�s weird.

Good music, weird cat.

He likes to play chase. He will race around the house and meow at Bootsie to chase him. Which she does. He likes to sleep in the basement on Bootsie�s bed, but he will walk downstairs and sit on the last step. It�s like he�s thinking "I like to sleep on the bed, but the basement floor is so cold on my delicate paws. Maybe Bootsie will carry me over to the bed." Which she does.

He also likes to have a blanket to lay on. The blanket has to be arranged just so. Which she does.

Did I mention this cat is spoiled?

If Tinker wants to go outside, because he is declawed, he goes out on a leash. He doesn�t mind--unless you try to walk him. My cousin, Brittany, tried to get him to the back corner of the yard. He flopped on his side, one paw in the air, and played dead. As she dragged him around the yard.

It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen!

When Tinker gets mad at us, he will sit with his back to the offending party. Occasionally, he will glance back to make sure said offender knows they�re being ignored.

He likes to prowl around our garage. He often manages to kill birds that get stuck in the garage. You�ve heard of cats bringing their owners mice as gifts? Not Tinker. He brings the birds to my sister�s mountain bike. Yeah, I don�t get it either.

Offerings to the Schwinn God, I guess.

Have a happy day!

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