Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

The Wedding

May 16, 2004 ... 5:21 p.m.

Reverend: �I vow to you my love and faithfulness...�
Cousin#1: �I vow to you my love and ... what?!?�
Reverend: �Faithfulness.�
Cousin#1: �Oh. I thought you said �faithfulness�.�

The wedding photographer asked me out. Which would've been cool if he weren't 12. Or blond.

Plus, "Nick" asked me to a movie yesterday. Alas, I had to go bear witness to the ~~travesty~~ wedding.

Bootsie and I got to the church about a � hour early. We made our way into the church (HA) and our side of the family was filling the pews on the groom�s side of the church.

Mom met Cousin#1 in the hallway with �20 minutes--it�s not to late to run!� He was wearing a black and gold vest, gold pocket chains and tails. And it didn�t fit. I don�t think he went in for a final fitting. All the groomsmen and Lil JD were dressed the same, sans tails and chains (which is totally symbolic--if only in my mind).

T minus 3 minutes. Groom�s side: nearly full. Bride�s side: 4 people. Perhaps they were fearful of bursting into flame upon entering a house of God.

Two of her brothers were groomsmen--they looked like little trolls. No, really. No. Really.

The bridesmaids were all in black rayon-type dresses with spaghetti straps. The dresses were actually nice. They all had yellow chiffon shawls draping their shoulders and knotted in the back. The bouquets were white carnations with one yellow rose. The men all had a single yellow rose for their boutonnieres.

Brat 1 was dressed as a groomsman, but in white. Brat 2 was the flowergirl, in a very pretty white dress with spaghetti straps. She had a tiara and a veil, but no flowers. Instead, she pushed Lil JD (the ringbearer--I�d certainly trust a 17-month-old my wedding ring.), who was strapped into a stroller against his will.

Before the processional, the organist played several questionable pieces. I can�t remember them all because I was mentally willing my cousin to run. One was, I kid you not, a slow version of the Oak Ridge Boys� �Elvira�. I almost fell off my pew. For the processional, she played �Sunrise, Sunset�. Okay. The lyrics to this piece are very fitting, but the music is a wee bit on the dark side. And, hello, are we suddenly Jewish? I�m surprised they didn�t break out into the �Halloween� theme for Ivy�s walk down the aisle.

Ivy was escorted by her dad (who looked like he was on a furlough from Sturgis) and her step-dad (a not-so-recovering alcoholic). Okay. She was wearing a white dress. I was waiting for it to disintegrate out of protest. She�s, like, four feet tall and ... um ... chubby. Spaghetti strapped dress with tons of swirly appliqu�s and sequins, especially on the train. I suddenly realized why the dress looked familiar--Cousin#3 had bought it when she was engaged to a guy she didn�t marry. Wow. They must�ve had to work that dress over but good. Cousin#3 is taller and, when she originally bought it, about as big as a minute.

The pastor, who apparently likens saving souls to stand up comedy, read John 2:1-10. And then explained how the parable related to this wedding. This is what I understood: there was this wedding in Cana and it was never supposed to happen and they ran out of wine and their reputations would be ruined and Jesus (who wasn�t invited and totally crashed the party) turned water to wine and it was really good wine because, hey, if you�re the son of God--why bother with the cheap stuff?

The relevance I took from the story? The wedding was NEVER supposed to happen!

During the vows, Ivy just grinned up at Cousin#1. I could not figure out why that unnerved me so, until Mom leaned over and whispered �All the better to eat you with, my dear.� Oy. All the kids were fidgety, but Brittany got yelled at 3 times during the ceremony by Ivy�s mom. Brat 2 was worse than Britt, but Britt is the stepchild. The third time, Ivy�s mom said �Brittany, if you don�t stand still--I�m going to break your arm.� Mom pretended to drop her program and whispered to Ivy�s mom �You�ll hurt that child only if you have a death wish.� Ivy�s mom looked properly stunned. And she should.

My mom would kick her ass.

Then the pastor announced them �Mr. and Mrs. Cousin#1�, but mispronounced their last name. Twice. Symbolism?

As we filed out, I got a better chance to see the front pew and alter decorations. The pews were wrapped with white pipe cleaners and had a bow, or something trying to be a bow, scotch taped to them. Because both my aunt and uncle have passed away, there were two bouquets on the alter. Each had a rose--red in the center, black outside--and two bright orange lilies. My aunt loved lilies. The alter was draped with a couple of yards of tulle.

Reception. The djs were all set up and dressed nicely--especially the fella with the sleeveless sweatshirt and large dragon tattoos. The song playing as we entered was �Yeah�. A song about cheating with a hot girl by that paragon of virtue--Usher and Little Jon and Ludacris. Ludacris. More symbolism.

White plastic garbage bags lined the tables. No, really. No. Really. And there were three miniature oil lamps on each table, which they lit while we waited. Small oil fires lit with small children running about and my grandma sitting there on oxygen. Brilliant!

We sat around for 2� hours, doing nothing, before we were allowed to eat. The food? Meh. Bread, cold cuts, veggie plate and baked beans. But no potato salad. I had to sit through that~~atrocity~~ ceremony and no potato salad? Crap. The cake was just store-bought marble sheet cake with yellow flowers.

Their theme, with yellow and black? Hawkeye Wedding. Mm-hmm.

While we ate, Cousin#1 busted out the $1700 bottle of Dom Perrignon he got as a surprise.

$1700 for one bottle of alcohol, but no potato salad? The hell?

My sister took some photos and I will post them later. One was of the bride, who had a beer in one hand and a pack of Camels in the other.

This is not going to end well.

The first dance was to �Cherish�. And then there were some other dances, including one to �Butterfly Kisses�. Then, to get the party really hopping, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band�s �Fishing in the Dark�. Yee. Haw.

We left. I just couldn�t take the excitement anymore. We watched Lil JD overnight and when his parents came to pick him up, Ivy said we left too early. Because my cousin started dancing sexy and she unbuttoned his shirt and his hairy chest was out in the open.

Yeah. I don�t know how I�m going to live with myself after missing that.

Saturday-8 :: movies and oil...

1. Today I am going to see the movie "Troy," as it stars my favourite actor of all time, the British sex god Sean Bean. Are you planning on seeing it? Why or why not?

Let�s see ... historical drama? Check. Sweeping epic? Check. War? Check. Orlando Bloom? CHECK. CHECK. CHECK. Um ... what was the question?

2. The other day I purchased gas for $2.07 per gallon. I about threw up. What is the current gas price in your area? (please specify grade)

$1.89 per gallon. Ethanol

3. Sean Bean is my lust, and the German actor Thomas Kretschmann comes in at a close second. who are your first and second actor/actress "loves"?

Jon Seda and Orlando Bloom. Although Orlando and Joaquin Phoenix sometimes have to duke it out for that spot.

4. I am going to Canada via Syracuse, NY in July, and had to purchase my tickets WAAAAAAY early because we're afraid the ticket prices will go up dramatically due to the rising oil prices. Are you traveling this summer on a vacation?

Nothing big.

5. Is there any movie this summer that you're looking to see this summer, or any books you want to read that are going to be printed & released this summer? Tell us about them...

Why, Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban, of course. That�s pretty much it. BUT. Phantom of the Opera is being released on December 25. And, family Christmas be damned--I am SO there.

6. What is your favourite vacation destination, and why?

Hawaii. Because it�s warm and gorgeous and has palm trees and islands and beaches and oceans and whales and ... yeah, Hawaii

7. Have you heard about netflix.com? If so, have you joined/are you planning to join, and why/why not?

I�ve heard about it and I think it sounds cool, but I just haven�t done it.

8. Are you a good flier? I have problems on takeoff, but landing and flying are no problem.

I�m a good traveler--the only thing I hate about flying is when my ears pop. Hate that. I have issues with my ears, though.

Currently Reading: The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory
Thank you, MeeshaPeesha.

Listening To: Plain White T�s
...I�m leavin� today, say goodbye to my favorite face...

Have a happy day!

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