Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Totally! Like OMGZ!

March 11, 2003 ... 11:03 p.m.

Totally! Like OMGZ!

[watching Good Charlotte video]
Robin: �My sister thinks that one...*points*...is hot.�
Eibisch: �Well, he is hot......in that drag-queen-next-door sort of way.�

And so we have made it through the second day of the horror that is mid-terms. Until this term, tests/mid-terms/finals never bothered me. Not one iota. I was going through some old papers and found two math tests from second grade. 5 minutes to complete. 77 questions. And a little computer paper showing the scores, time completed in and student numbers. First test: 3:13, 77 out of 77 correct. Second test: 2:55, 77 out of 77 correct.

I was good.

This term is killing me, mentally. This term, I am acutely aware that I don�t fit in. Not that I am bothered by that fact. I don�t think it has anything to do with my age, unless it�s that I don�t fit because of where I think I/my life should be at 26. But, as of late, that doesn�t bother me.

In high school, I was never uber popular but I wasn�t unpopular, either. I was well-liked. People would pass me in the halls and say �hi�--even people I didn�t know. I was in �cool stuff� like volleyball and golf and I was a �mat maid�--we kept stats for the wrestling team. I was in �dork stuff� like debate, Odyssey of the Mind, National History Day and student government. And I was in �geek stuff� like orchestra, concert band, marching band and theatre. Well rounded, I guess. I think, maybe, I could�ve been in that very popular stratosphere if I kissed butt or gave a crap what anybody thought about anything.

I didn�t care if you thought some of my friends were the nerdiest nerds in the whole of nerdom. They were smart, they were funny and they were nice. I didn�t care if you thought music was a dork-fest. Can you play French Horn, trumpet, violin, xylophone and swiss-triplets on snare? I can. I didn�t care if you thought I was nearly traitorous for attending sporting events when not required (i.e.--pep band) or for--*gasp*--participating. Can you return a serve while diving to the hardwood with no knee pads or be the only statkeeper during a quad (4 matches at same time) meet and not miss a single stat? I can.

Or, rather, I could.

When I was in high school, actually until a few years ago, I knew I was cool. I knew I was smart. I knew I was funny. I knew I was a good friend. And if you didn�t get that...well, hey, that was your problem.

I lost that. And it was a bad thing to lose. When you make decisions--life decisions or, really, any decisions--based not on what is right for you, but what others think, you lose a little part of you. When you worry to the point of obsession over other�s opinions of you, you lose some of yourself. Call it pride or dignity or esteem. Call it whatever you want. I had it. I lost it. I think the combination of living with my mother, being unemployed (and, therefore, relying on her financially) and not doing much of anything outside this home is emasculating. I felt 15 again--trapped but so close to freedom and, yet, so far away.

In the last few weeks, I�ve made decisions based on me. I�ve applied for new jobs, I�ve decided to transfer out of state, I�ve laid out a 9 month schedule. Little things, too. I buy my own groceries (with babysitting money) and I only eat what I buy. Sure, it means not eating dinner as a unit but I won�t be doing that on a regular basis when I move, anyway. I do my own laundry. At a laundromat, because Mom is a wee bit overprotective of her washer and dryer. She used to freak out because I don�t really separate the loads. My sorting system goes something like: jeans, towels, sweats...yep, that�s a load. Then: jeans, underwear, towels...yep, that�s a load. And this one time...shh...I totally washed a red t-shirt with my whites. They turned pink, but guess what? I DIDN�T EVEN CARE! First, nobody is seeing my underwear. Second even if it did bother me, which it doesn�t--I have bleach.

And I noticed that I�m getting back my earlier attitude/philosophy. I don�t know if it is because of the changes, however subtle they may be, or the decisions I�ve been making or just what it is. I really noticed it when I was out with Robin. A couple of really good looking guys started chatting her up. Did not even look in my direction. I sat there, listening to the band, nursing my non-alcoholic pina colada, occasionally glancing at over at three of them. I made no effort to include myself in the conversation and made no attempt to get noticed by them. I suddenly realized that I didn�t care. A couple of months ago, I would�ve been hurt by their lack of acknowledgement of my very existence. Last night? Did not give a crap. In fact Robin introduced us and, while I was polite, they were a bit rude. Like she was saying, �If you want to talk with me--you have to make nice with my horribly mutant tag-a-long.� So, I excused myself and went to the seating closer to the stage. The band was �Rough Dimonds� (yes, that�s how they spell it) and they�re a Good Charlotte/Simple Plan/New Found Glory/Sum 41 cross. They may very well be just riding the punk wave, but they were fun. They did some Clash covers, which I sang along to and the singer, Geoff, was totally flirting with me. Hee. Apparently, that made my corner/table the place to crowd around. What can I say? I totally rock.

Sometime later, those guys came up and the blond one totally started hitting on me! I was not interested and kept sidling (ooo--I know how to use a thesaurus! I rock!) away from him, but it was like he had a tractor beam for evasive maneuvers. He finally cornered me, bent down and whispered �Jill, you�re way hotter than your friend. Wanna get out of here?� And then grinned as if that were the best pick up line ever invented--as if he had just spouted a Shakespeare-esque sonnet. So I thought for a moment.

Because it�s difficult to think of the right thing to say when you�re face to face with a walking, talking, 6 foot tall cockroach.

Then I said simply �My name is not Jill and I�m not interested.� I know, I know. I wanted to say something witty and snarky. But I figured, eh, why bother? He was inconsequential. After I said that, he looked thoroughly confused. Not confused about my name, mind you--confused as to how I could possibly turn him down. Robin said he had that look on his face all night and when he went back to the table with her and his friend, she said he was amazed that anyone would turn him down.

I am amazed that both he and his ego fit in that one little club.

I don�t know. I guess I�m just growing up. Maybe.

Eep!

Currently Reading:
Jackie After Jack: Portrait of the Lady by Christopher P. Andersen

Listening To: MXPX--you know, even though I enjoy them immensely, it is slightly disturbing to hear a man sing �My Boyfriend�s Back�...

~*~

Have a happy day!

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