Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Stupid cell phone batteries

January 16, 2002 ... 11:22 a.m.

Stupid cell phone batteries

It's snowing! Well, kind of. There are flakes, but no actual accumulation.

I'm still thinking.....Honolulu.

First, I need to win the lottery.

But, then, I wouldn't be going to Honolulu. I'd buy this Caribbean Island I saw in the paper (on sale for $6.5 mil!), with no open lines of communication to the mainland, build a Mediterranean-style mansion, and buy a yacht and, possibly, a cabana boy named Antonio.

Unless, of course, Jon Seda was interested in sharing said mansion. In that case--adios, Antonio! Hola, Jon! I'm so fickle.

Oh, I'd give my family all the money they could ever need. But enough of the philanthropical mumbo-jumbo.

Yep, a beautiful Caribbean island and a gorgeous man. Of course, with my luck, 6 months later a hurricane would decimate my tropical island, Jon would make off with the yacht and I would be left alone on this sparse island, with no way to call for help.

Or, I'd have one minute of power left on my cell phone battery, call for help and Joe would answer (I don't know why--the situation is full of irony, just go with it). I would ask for help, tell him I'm trapped on the island. Of course, all that would come out was "Uhhhhhhhmmmmmm".

And my time would be up. There would be precious little water on the island and the only source of food would be the hermit crabs that wash up along the shore. Unfortunately, I am deathly allergic to shellfish. So that plan sucks, either way.

I could track the word "HELP" in the sand, but the only planes that fly overhead would be full of drug-runners, probably headed to Miami.

The only thing that remains of what was once a beautiful mansion is a battered shoebox. I'd crawl over and see if anything was in there, but I am beginning to weaken and should conserve my energy. Plus, a large vulture suddenly swoops down to sit next to the box--I definitely don't have the energy to shoo him off.

Should I be worried? Are there even vultures in the Caribbean?

Besides, can anything useful in a situation like this really fit in just a shoebox?

Then, as I further weaken from exposure to the elements and ultimately perish, I become a human buffet for the hermit crabs.

Sometime in the future, my sun-bleached skeleton is found, clutching my spent cell-phone.

"Huh," one discoverer says to another "if only she had looked in this old shoebox, she could've used the extra cell phone battery."

There was some ass kicked on ESPN, but it wasn't Illini. Our guys got beat up pretty good. Illinois is the kind of team that likes to smack its bitches. Thugs.

And Blue ragging on PP all game? Not kosher.

Note to Blue: If I were PP and you got up in my face all game long, regardless of what I may have been doing, I would punch you in the stomach.

Note to Blue: Correction. I would have SS punch you in the stomach.

Bah.

Note to Captain Gel: If the team is not playing the way you want them to, that is your fault! Bench them. Even your two "go to" [stifling laughter] guys. It will not break my heart to see them ride the pine for a game or 3. Remember last season? Didn't have Diesel, did you? Won the Big 10 Tournament, didn't you? Did you happen to notice BB last night? He played two minutes and he made a three. He actually added to the point total! Boggles your mind, eh? I guess we didn't need a scorer, anyway. Keep benching him. Maybe our opponents will send you flowers! Jackass.

Iowa 66

Ill 77

~*~

Have a happy day!

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