Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady in the scary house

Could Be Worse

August 14, 2003 ... 11:08 p.m.

[discussing, once again, my hatred for The Catcher In The Rye]
Jens: �But it�s a classic.�
Eibisch: �Classic is just a word used to seduce na�ve people into reading a load of crap that nobody else has read or they wouldn�t still be calling it �a classic�.�

Right on schedule.

Ah--sore shoulder, upset stomach, pounding headache and crazy painful earache--how I�ve missed you.

I�ve actually been queasy since Sunday. I get like this with big tests, big papers or finals. I literally worry myself sick. I know I do it, I know I�m going to do it, but I can�t stop it. I always talk myself into thinking I did so much worse than I actually did. After Big Ass History Exam #1, my teacher put the grading scale up along with how many of each grade there were. There were two �D�s and two �F�s. While waiting for him to hand them back, I was debating myself about what grade I had gotten. I was sincerely convinced I was one of the �F�s, but I was arguing with myself that I could have been a �D� and �D� wouldn�t be suicide time because I could still end up with a �B� overall, but an �F� would kill those hopes and jeez I think I�m gonna throw up and would anyone notice if I got up and hurled myself through the window?

I got an �A�. I usually do well, but I always psych myself out. So, now I wait for Mr. History Teacher�s e-mail telling me what I got overall. I do have the sneaking suspicion that I�ll get a �B+�. I have told you how much I dislike �B+�s.

Cripes.

I�m going to test out of writing with the CLEP test. It�s gonna cost me $90, but I�ll get three hours of credit for maybe 2 hours of my time. Doesn�t seem to pricey, especially considering tuition is $83/credit hour.

I�m taking Intermediate algebra as one of those guided self study thing. Good deal, because I�ll just do all my assignments in one weekend and take the tests in one day. Can too. Did too. With Beginning Algebra. I got the dread �B+� but, eh, what�re you gonna do?

At least this way I don�t have to sit in class and listen while the teacher explains for the 5-millionth time that, yes, 2 + 2 AND 2 x 2 both equal 4.

Man. I hate school. I don�t want to learn stuff, I just want a degree.

Things with my brother seem to be at a stalemate of sorts. On the one hand, we are all extremely upset at the dishonesty of the adoption agency, as well as what might have happened in his past to manifest in this way. On the other hand, we are wary and feel enormous strain over the whole ordeal. It�s so tiresome to be on edge and constantly watching out for any behaviors that may dissolve into the uncontrollable rages.

He�s on Tenex for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He was on half a pill, morning and night, but it had no noticeable effect. His doctor upped the dosage today and we�re hopeful he�ll soon sleep--if not through the night--most of the night.

He seemed a little calmer during the day, which is a blessing. That bodes well for tonight. Maybe I�ll leave my door unlocked tonight--I haven�t been doing that since he began hiding knives in my room.

We are all hopeful that, with more sleep/calm, his other problems/behaviors will be less difficult to begin treating.

I don�t know. I�m sure, no matter what happens, things will turn out for the best.

Thy will be done. And all that.

Currently Reading: Maggots, Murder and Men by Dr. Zakaria Erzin�lioglu

Listening To: =w=
...now it�s a crying shame �cuz you don�t wanna play around no more...

Have a happy day!

7 ... 8