Dude ... I'm Telling You
September 28, 2004 ... 8:10 p.m.
Oscar “So, you are absolutely NOT afraid of dying?”
Eibisch: “Nope.”
Oscar: “Not even a little?”
Eibsch: “Nuh-uh.”
Oscar: “Not even a teensy bit?”
Eibisch: “Well, look, I don’t want my plane to crash on a deserted tropical island and then be eaten by a reconstituted Velociraptor, but there are worse ways to go.”
Oscar: “Such as?”
Eibisch: “Anything having to do with a Britney Spears concert.”
FYI -- if you have lots and lots of allergies like I do, to things like shellfish (shrimp -- how I miss thee) and grasses and cotton and cats (Tinker ... we’ll just say he’s hypoallergenic. Go with it) and horses and trees and cockroaches and corn (Hi. I live in Iowa. Define irony.) and those nasty little dust mite things, do NOT get one of those hypoallergenic, rubber-like, zippered mattress covers that double as things for bed wetters.
I have one. I have a couple on my pillows, as well. These do no bother me. However, the mattress one is annoying as hell. I made my bed and the fitted sheet and mattress pad slipped off while I was sleeping. This cover thing gets very hot, so hot that I have to keep a fan going all night so that I don’t spontaneously combust.
So, I woke up around 4 am this morning because my ear hurt like crazy and went to sit up. No dice. Ha ha. No covers = Eibisch, stuck to the cover.
Not a good morning for yours truly.
I’m posting this because I have an ear infection. Again. And I don’t want to think.
Oscar: “How you doin?”
Eibisch: “I’ve got an ear infection and all I feel like doing all day is playing Tetris.”
Oscar: “Ear infection, eh? Zithromax oughtta clear that right up.”
Eibisch: “Right. Hate you.”
Oscar: “Nuh-uh. You love me. You looove me. You loooooo - uhh - uhhhhh - ve me!”
Eibisch: “Excellent NewsRadio reference, but I’m still with the hate.”
Oscar: “Bite me. How’s that show you like? What’s it called? ‘Stranded’?”
Eibisch: “‘Lost’. And I really like it!”
Oscar: “What’s so great?”
Eibisch: “Umm ... there’s a thing and a plane crash -- and one of the survivors wasn’t even on the plane Dun Dun Dun --and they’re on a tropical island and that cute hobbit guy is there and one of the guys shoots a polar bear next week!”
Oscar: “A ... polar bear?”
Eibisch: “A polar bear.”
Oscar: “Eibby, that makes no sense! A polar bear on a tropical island???”
Eibisch: “Yes!”
Oscar: “You’re a moron!”
Eibisch: “Dude, I’m telling you it is!”
Oscar: “Shall we wager?”
Eibisch: “You haven’t even seen the show!”
Oscar: “Yes, but I am not a moron. Now. Shall we wager?”
Eibisch: “Let’s.”
Oscar: “Terms?”
Eibisch: “I win and, at Christmas, you sit through Phantom with me. Twice.”
Oscar: “And when I win?”
Eibisch: “One full disc of Beacis & Butthead.”
Oscar: “I call your bluff and raise you to five Phantom viewings.”
Eibisch: “Deal.”
Oscar: “Who did you say was in it?”
Eibisch: “The cute hobbit.”
Oscar: “Frodo?”
Eibisch: “I loathe Frodo. He’s somewhere on my “Favorite Characters List” after Sauramon and the kid who falls off the horse in that one scene.”
Oscar: “I know you hate Frodo -- I was teasing. You meant Pippin, yeah?”
Eibisch: “I said ‘cute’, not ‘achingly adorable’.”
Oscar: “Merry. Dominic Monaghan.”
Eibisch: “That’s the one and he’s a druggie. His character is.”
Oscar: “Yeah, I saw him in an airport once.”
Eibisch: “Really?”
Oscar: “Mm-hmm. I was flying here ... no, I was flying into LAX ... or maybe I was in LAX ...”
Eibisch: “Cripes, man! Get to it!”
Oscar: “I saw him. The end.”
Eibisch: “You didn’t say anything to him??”
Oscar: “Why, yes! I rushed right up to him, screeching that my friend Eibisch thought he was cute and the other hobbit was adorable but she wished Frodo an excruciatingly painful death that begins with having his finger bitten off, thinks the fairy is unbearably hot and that that Aragorn guy is alright.”
Eibisch: “...”
Oscar: “He didn’t really say anything, though. Unless you count screaming like a little girl and running away.”
Eibisch: “Hello hatred, my old friend ...”
Oscar: “I did get a restraining order a few days later.”
Eibisch: “You need a hobby.”
Oscar: “I SAID he sent me a restraining order!”
Eibisch: “For the love of ... I said hobby not hobbit.”
Eibisch: “And Legolas is an Elf.”
Oscar: “Potato, potahto. I saw Stevie Wonder once, too.”
Eibisch: “Groovy.”
Oscar: “At least, I think it was him. But he wasn’t wearing sunglasses. And it was really sunny out and ... wait ... I mean ... he ... Shut up, Oscar.”
Eibisch: “I’ve never seen anybody in an airport.”
Oscar: “You’ve seen moi.”
Eibisch: “Okay, nobody important.”
Oscar: “Taking offense!”
Eibisch: “Nobody cute, then.”
Oscar: “Ach! Salt in my already gaping wound!”
Eibisch: “Nobody who’s ever been on nationwide tv.”
Oscar: “I have so! Many times! Why don’t you just rip my still-beating heart out of my chest!”
Eibisch: “Lord ... and people wonder why I call you ‘Oscar’.”
Oscar: “What?”
Eibisch: “Nothing.”
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